everything's not awesome

I've been spending a lot of time at home with my kids lately. Just me? Surprisingly enough, homeschooling my children in German and cancelling everything in my future outside of staying home was not in my dream plans for the next month.

Instead of my normal routine, we now spend our mornings doing math homework and listing to the Lego Movie 2 soundtrack--neither of which I really enjoy. The song 'Everything's Not Awesome' has really spoken to me lately, maybe because I've listened to it 657 times.

I really thought I would be good at this. I'm great in a crisis and I've always excelled under stress. I've kept great marks in my masters program while moving countries, having a fourth child and learning a new language. When the announcement that all Swiss schools were closing for three weeks, I went into a planning panic. Rocky took the older kids the next day to work on their soapbox car (before everything else was shut down) I spent several hours researching home school schedules, planning our routines and compiling job charts complete with life skills to be learned and options for child direct projects. I printed out a 'couch to 5k' plan and posted it in our kitchen. I bought a lego robot stocked up on small toys for the prize box and announced that all screen time would be in German or French. I was prepared to be good at this.

But I wasn't.

Within a week I felt like the song, "What's the point? There's no hope. Awesomeness was a pipe dream" but mostly I've just identified with Batman, "I just wanna eat carbs, pass the ice cream."

Sure--on paper I've performed well. But I've felt a bit broken.

Last week Rocky walked into the kitchen during our morning homeschool session and took some pictures to document this abnormal time. Later that week, I thought I would include one of the pictures in my weekly email to my mom. I opened up our shared google photos file and found multiple pictures of me grimacing and angry, most likely trying to discern which work sheet was the Verbenheft and which was the Verbarbeitsblatt. I wondered if this clenched teeth determination to excel would be how my children would remember this time--me barking orders and demanding they do extra math worksheets to compensate for following behind in their Deutsch because of their incompetent mother.

Today was the date school was originally supposed to go back. Instead we have one more week of homeschool before our two week spring break. Instead of a road trip around Ireland, we will be  doing much of what we have done the past three weeks--staying home. Maybe school will start again in May, maybe it won't. This is heavy to me. Being responsible for school, church, physical activities and everything else that is included in my mom job description is heavy. Sometimes I feel there could be 3 of me going full speed and I would never accomplish all that I feel needs to be done. But what is essential? What is important?

These are questions I've been searching. I am not sure what the answers are yet but I do know what they are not. It is not essential to be happy always. It is not important to finish all the worksheets and assignments perfectly. It is not essential that my house is clean, that we eat a perfect diet, have an ideal home church program or no screen time. Because "everything's not awesome, but that doesn't mean that it's hopeless or bleak". I know there can be good that comes from this and I hope to find it. Even if it's hard. Even if it requires me to carry heavy things--even if it asks me to set down things I don't need to carry.